Lovely Lucy

Transgender Cosplay

2011-06-13T21:28:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, I spent Saturday at A-Kon 22 in Dallas, TX. It was my seventh straight A-Kon to attend and the 17th anime convention I've attended overall. I generally spend the entire weekend at a con but teaching and financial concerns limited me to just one day this year.

I've always loved anime conventions and only wish I'd discovered them before I was 23. One thing I've always enjoyed doing at cons is cosplaying. Below is a picture of me cosplaying as Yuki Nagato from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya at A-Kon this year.

I've always appreciated the generally open and accepting attitudes of con attendees. Anime cons like A-Kon were the first and, for a long time, the only spaces in which I felt comfortable expressing my transgender identity. While occasionally someone gives me a strange look or make a rude comment, I've found con attendees to be accepting of crossplay, the term coined for cosplaying characters of the opposite sex.

It was only last year that I thought a little more about crossplay as it applies to me and other transgender cosplayers. The key phrase in my definition above is "characters of the opposite sex." For a long time I fully embraced the term and appreciate the value of the term for creating a space for people to express their love of anime characters, regardless of gender. But I'm now beginning to wonder about the applicability of the term for me. I no longer consider cosplaying as a female character crossplaying for me personally; as a woman, it's only natural that I would choose to cosplay as a female character. Crossplaying for me now would be dressing as a male character should I ever choose to, as unlikely as that may be.

The tradition and acceptance of crossplay among anime fans, while a positive thing overall, becomes problematic for a transgender cosplayer. I noticed this weekend in comments about a "male Yuki" or a girl correcting her use of the pronoun "she" to "he" when explaining to her friend what character I was dressed as. Another example from last year would be a con acquaintance asking my name and after I replied "Lucy," he then asked for my "real" name instead of my character's name (which was actually Azmaria).

The acceptance of crossplay means that anime cons remain a generally safe space for transgender fans. I'm still deciding how to take the next step and figure out how to more fully communicate my identity as a woman and as a cosplayer.

Just One of the Girls

2011-04-03T21:38:00.002-05:00

I had a wonderful time last night at a lingerie shower for a friend. I always love all-women get togethers like this. I haven't had the opportunity to attend many showers like this in my life and appreciate being included as just one of the girls!

This is still a special feeling for me. Though I've reached the point where dressing in women's clothing every day feels natural, being included in gatherings like this still feels unique to me.

As the night went on, the topic of conversation naturally turned to sex. As I've discussed here before, I'm not the most experienced person sexually so I enjoy occasionally getting to here others talk openly about sex. As the discussion grew more animated, someone in the group made the statement along the lines of "what are guys thinking?" I know I, and I imagine many other trans women, dread statements like this as I wait for my companions to eventually turn to me looking for an answer. Thankfully, no one last night even glanced my direction :)

I believe the reason this kind of statement worries me is that I will be seen as the possessor of secret knowledge not available to other women. There's a view of transgender people as possessing intimate knowledge of both sexes; trans women can share knowledge about men with their sisters because of the fact that they were born male. I know I was not immune from this. As I struggled with my transgender identity, I considered myself an average guy for a long time - which actually made me feel that my transition would be that much more difficult and might not even be possible since I felt my gender performance as a guy was okay.

It was only after I began living as a woman that I realized how little I actually knew about being a guy. I realized that what I considered as an "okay" performance was actually just doing the bare minimum to get by. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I felt as a woman and how easy it was to see that being a woman is what is right and natural for me.

So no, I don't have any more idea of "what guys are thinking" or "what guys want" than any other woman.

And just to be clear, these are just my own thoughts about that phrase and the feelings it can evoke for me. It is not meant to call attention to something others should be more sensitive about. It's also not meant to call attention to my friends at the shower. Reading this post will probably be the first time they'll even consider that a question like that would even be directed to me. And that's what makes me happiest of all - reaching the point in my life as a woman were no one would even consider that I might have knowledge about men different from any other woman. I'm just one of the girls! Now, hopefully, I'll eventually reach a point where I won't even think that someone would direct a question like that to me. I may still have a ways to go on that...

Life Gives You Shoes

2011-02-07T19:51:00.003-06:00

It's funny how things work out sometimes.

There was a pair of black heels I had seen on Payless.com so I went to the the store here in town this morning after teaching class to try them on. They fit well and looked cute but I decided that I didn't really need them that badly and they didn't really add to my wardrobe so I left without getting them.

Often when I'm shopping, I'll find something that I like that fits well but I won't get it immediately. I'll wait for a while as I try to convince myself that it really would look good and that I should get it. So a few days later I'll go back to the store and get the outfit.

I really felt that I didn't need this pair of shoes but it seems that life had other plans.

This afternoon, a friend asked me to go get coffee. As we left the building, I wasn't paying close enough attention and tripped going down the stairs. I was able to catch myself and wasn't hurt at all, except for some embarrassment. I got down the rest of the stairs without incident. Everything seemed to be okay so we went on to get coffee.

After I got back to my office, I found that not everything was alright after all. I checked my shoes and I found that a big gash had been torn in one of the heels. It wasn't bad enough that I couldn't walk in the shoes anymore but it would be pretty obvious to anyone when I wore the shoes.

So the heels I had convinced myself that morning not to get were now something that I actually needed. Sometimes, life gives you shoes.

What's Your "Type"?

2011-02-05T11:26:00.004-06:00

What's your type?

This question is probably familiar to most people, particularly single people. It's usually asked to determine the physical and personality traits that a person would find attractive in another.

Most people, I feel, may have certain qualities they're looking for in a partner, but they don't limit themselves solely to these options. For example, a friend of mine has specific characteristics he would like to find in a woman but he's not going to wait around until he meets someone who is a perfect match.

As I've written about previously (Dating), I'm really just looking for someone who can love me for who I am. This would seem to imply a lack of a "type." The more I've thought about it, though, the more I've come to realize that my "type" is feminine people. And I do use the word "people" very specifically. Whether the person happened to be born male or female doesn't really matter to me. I just find myself more attracted to feminine people.

As I said earlier, I'm not necessarily limiting myself to just this type. Even though I'm writing this now, I could be dating a very masculine person in a few weeks. Though I will say that probably my biggest turn off is overly masculine people.

So, what's your type?

Wandering Son - Hourou Musuko

2011-01-16T16:59:00.002-06:00

Wandering Son is a new anime series that debuted January 13, 2011. The main character of the series is Shuichi Nitori, a boy beginning his first day of middle school. Shuichi has a number of close friends and is well-liked by his classmates. Shuichi, though, has a secret that is not known except to a small group of friends - Shuichi feels that he should be a girl.

Transgender themes and stories are not unfamiliar territory for anime. What is impressive about Wandering Son in terms of anime, or any other media for that matter, is the sensitivity and honesty with which the series handles its transgender subject matter. Absent are the usual external motivations for crossdressing or the fantastical elements that make the transgender elements seem to be just part of a larger-than-life narrative. Shuichi wants to be a girl because that is part of who he is. While Wandering Son is supportive of the transgender identity of its characters, the series is also seeking to realistically present the continuing struggles of transgender people to live in this binary-gendered world. Shuichi has come out to a group of supportive friends, but his sister yells at him and calls him "sick" after discovering him wearing her clothes.

Shuichi is not the only transgender character in the series. His female friend, Yoshino Takatsuki, wants to be a boy, though Shuichi is the focus of the first episode. The two young characters are still trying to figure out who they are and their place in society. Yoshino, for example, is envious of another girl in her class who comes to school wearing a boy's uniform just because she feels like it. After running into a sobbing Shuichi, Yoshino starts to give him the boy's uniform a friend gave her but then stops and says "this isn't what you need right now."

Reaction to the first episode has been mostly positive, though I will take a little issue with Gia Manry's characterization of Shuichi's transgender identity as a "hobby" in her review of the first episode on Anime News Network. While it remains to be seen how the series will develop over its entire 11 episode run, it seems pretty clear that Shuichi's desire to be a girl is more than just a hobby.

Wandering Son is currently steaming in the US on Crunchyroll - the first episode is available now for subscribers and will be available on Thursday, January 20 for non-subscribers. The first volume of the manga will also be coming out sometime this year from Fantagraphics Books.

Wandering Son follows last season's Princess Jellyfish - a series featuring a crossdresser that is available on Funimation Video. Check out either series if you want to see some of the most positive and supportive examples of transgender representation airing in Japan or anywhere!

Looking Back on 2010/Looking Ahead to 2011

2011-01-01T20:01:00.004-06:00

Looking back, 2010 was a mixed bag year for me, as I imagine it was for many people. Around this time last year, I posted on this blog that my only goal for the year was to spend more days as a woman than as a man; that goal was easily achieved, as I spent maybe three weeks, at most, living as a man all year. So that was a very positive thing :) Other good things that happened in 2010 include passing Comps, taking my final class as a graduate student, presenting three papers at two conferences and getting two papers accepted to a conference next year. On the down side, 2010 continued the struggle to live as the woman I am. Whether it was family or others, the year included many heated arguments and discussions with people attempting to browbeat me into accepting their view that my identity is somehow "wrong," culminating in my sister chewing me out in early November. 2011 hasn't entirely gotten off to a good start in this regard, with my mother texting me today that she hopes I made "good resolutions" for the year, which I'm trying to take positively but can't help seeing as a passive aggressive dig at my transgender identity.

Looking ahead to 2011, I have a few goals I hope to achieve.

(1) Write my dissertation. I know this is a fairly ambitious goal but to finish my degree on schedule, I need to have at least the first draft completed by the end of the year. I believe this goal is achievable if I put in the necessary work. Being productive on the dissertation will also help counteract the reputation I seem to be gaining in my department as someone who is very ambitious but doesn't follow through on things.

(2) Get above 4.0 on teacher evals. I did well on evals this Fall but I've generally hovered around the 3.6-3.8 range. This isn't bad but I'd like to generally be above 4.0. This Spring will also be my first opportunity to teach an upper-level course that falls within my interests as a scholar so I hope I can make the subject as interesting for my students as it is for me.

(2) Go on a date. This is a little more personal, rather than professional. In 2011, I'd just like to go on a date. I don't necessarily need to be in a relationship but I'd at least like to go on a date, even a bad date.

Those are all I have right now. We'll see how things go with these goals around this time next year!

What a Difference a Year Makes!

2010-10-19T18:12:00.008-05:00

I was looking at some pictures the other day and I couldn't help but notice how much I've changed in just the past year. This first picture is from last September, around the time I began living full-time as a woman.

Now here is a picture from yesterday.
My hair is the most obvious difference but I think there's more to it than just that. I think back to how I felt even a year ago and I feel that I've changed a lot. Not only do I feel that I've developed more of my own personal style and have learned what looks good on me, but I just feel more confident in who I am as a woman. I remember buying that outfit in the first picture and feeling that I looked really cute and feminine (that outfit still has a soft spot for me because it was one of the first I purchased after deciding to live full-time). I felt really confident in myself when I went to class for the first time wearing that outfit and while I would obviously make different choices in hairstyle and makeup now, I needed to feel that confidence then or I wouldn't have been able to walk out the door and say "I'm a woman."

I've generally placed the turning point between living as a man and living as a woman but I guess I was surprised to see how much I've learned, at least in terms of physical appearance, about the woman I am in just one year.

Maintaining the Sex/Gender System

2010-10-05T13:37:00.006-05:00

After reading stories over the years from transgender women, one recurring theme that often comes up is someone in that person's life, usually her mother, telling her that she looks or acts very feminine. This post by Stana from Femulate is a good example of what I'm talking about - My Story - Part 1 . For many transgender women, this provided some of the first confirmation of how they felt inside.

I never received any positive reinforcement like that. In fact, I received the exact opposite; I was constantly told by others that I could never look like a woman, therefore I could never be a woman. I remember being in the 7th grade and having an idea for a class project that involved interviewing a historical figure. As I imagined it, I would be dressed in a woman's suit as a Barbara Walters-style reporter interviewing my classmate (I even wanted to call the presentation "40/40"). When I mentioned this to my mom, she took me to my grandmother's house and let me try on an old dress of hers, the only one she thought would fit me. When I came out in the dress, all she and my grandmother could do was laugh. Their reaction told me that I didn't look good as/like a girl so I didn't even bother arguing with them.

I received more explicit comments in this vein when I was in college. I was sent by my parents to see a Christian psychologist and even though he clearly didn't agree with being transgender, he took what could be described as a pragmatic approach in trying to convince me by saying that "it didn't matter if I had a sex change and became a woman, people would always see me as a man because my features are too masculine." He even said that he told transman he was seeing at the time basically the same thing, telling him that "his eyes were too pretty and feminine" to ever pass as a man.

This kind of feedback led me to not pursue transitioning for a long period of time. For many years, I didn't even crossdress at all and when I did, it was mainly alone in my house with the occasional trips to an anime convention.

I had always viewed this as a personal issue, my own private response to how people talked to me and treated me. But recently I realized that this kind of talk is part of maintaining what Gayle Rubin terms the "sex/gender system" in her article "The Traffic in Women: Notes on the ‘Political Economy’ of Sex." To admit that people born male can be women and that people born female can be men would completely destroy the system and physical appearance is the easiest place to attack because it's the most visible and it's also something that many trans people are uncertain and nervous about themselves. If this kind of talk prevents any trans person from being his- or herself, then the system has been maintained.

Update: For those who are interested, here is a link to Rubin's article on Google Books: "The Traffic in Women: Notes on the 'Political Economy' of Sex."

Stress and Graduate School

2010-08-21T17:04:00.003-05:00

In the August issue of Wired magazine, there is an interesting article on stress titled "Under Pressure." The main point made in the article is that chronic stress contributes to health problems and can even have a negative impact on treatments, such as medication and surgery. When stressed, the body releases a group of stress hormones called glucocorticoids, which "rapidly increase levels of glucose in the blood, thus providing muscles with a burst of energy," and "also shut down all nonessential bodily processes, such as digestion and the immune response" (136). This is great when your being chased by a lion but can over time have a lot of negative effects. Chronic stress puts your body in a state of constant alertness.

The article also argues that status can impact levels of stress. The lower status a person is the more stress they experience. Research has shown that in organizations where employees have access to the same healthcare, the lower status employees will face more health problems than higher status employees; the mail clerk is more likely to have heart problems than the executive. The higher levels of stress experienced by lower status employees is based on what researchers call the "demand-control" model of stress; stress is related not only to the demands placed on an individual but also on the level of control an individual has to respond to the demands. Executives often report feeling high levels of stress because they are making decisions that affect a large number of people but they have a lot of control over what they do, much more than the date-entry employee who gets chewed about by his/her boss everyday and has to just do what he/she is told to do.

As I read this article, I started thinking about stress in graduate school. Being a graduate student is an interesting position in society. Pursuing an advanced degree is seen as high status in society but within the organization of most university departments, graduate students are at the bottom in terms of status. (It would be interesting to study stress levels of graduate students compared to university staff and student workers, who are the lowest status people employed at most universities). Graduate students are treated differently depending on the situation. As instructors, they are of higher status than their students but most still have a supervisor in charge of the course they teach. With faculty, some treat grad students as colleagues but grad students are still students in many situations.

Most of the grad students I know, including myself, would consider themselves to be at least somewhat stressed. Grad students have to balance the demands of being an instructor, researcher and student. All of these responsibilities offer varying levels of control.

As the researchers in the article found, control is sought by most people; people want to feel that they have some control over what happens in their lives. Research is probably the area grad students have the most control. While the thesis and dissertation can be intimidating projects, grad students are often eager to begin working on these projects because they signify a grad student's independent research, as opposed to doing something to fulfill a class requirement.

Many grad students also take control through ownership of the decision to pursue an advanced degree. Feeling that you chose to attend graduate school instead of being required to can help an individual feel a sense of control over their education and may help reduce stress. Related to this decision is the ability to leave. Because grad school isn't a requirement, many people feel a sense of control by recognizing that they could leave and find a job elsewhere. After finishing my Master's, I worked at a legal publishing company for a year or so before leaving to pursue my PhD. That decision to return to grad school has been one of the things that has helped me deal with stress; I experienced the corporate world and knew it wasn't for me and returned to academia.

Finally, a way many grad students deal with stress and gain a sense of control is through the common, but not much discussed, "bitch session." Go to any grad student office in this country and you will often find the occupants arguing over or debating university policy, course requirements, etc. What may be seen as nothing but whining and complaining from the outside I would argue is an attempt to gain some control over the grad student experience; the ability to talk about your situation with people in the same situation helps people feel some sense of control over what is going on in their lives. I know from experience that employees in corporations also take part in similar forms of talk. While they may not be able to do much to influence the policies and decisions made by higher-ups, grad students, and others, are able to exercise their freedom to talk about these decisions through these "bitch sessions." It's not surprising that cubicle workers are more likely to engage in this kind of discussion than the executives in the corner offices. I would argue that the "bitch session" is an important means for people to deal with the stress they experience.

These are just a few thoughts I had in response to the Wired article. I would love to hear from others about how you deal with stress.

A Firefighter's Widow's Fight

2010-07-23T19:20:00.006-05:00

Nikki Araguz's husband, Thomas Araguz III, was a firefighter in Wharton, Texas, near Houston, who tragically died in the line of duty. Now, Thomas' family has come forward with a lawsuit against Nikki charging her with fraud, asking for her marriage to Thomas to be declared invalid and for her to not receive any benefits related to her husband's death. Nikki's crime? Being a transsexual woman.

This case was brought to the attention of many in the Texas transgender community by groups like TENT and the Transgender Foundation of America (TFA). Nikki is being represented by noted Houston-area lawyer Phyllis Randolph Frye, a transgender woman herself. As reported by KHOU news, a judge in Wharton today has frozen access to benefits related to the death of Mr. Araguz for both his family and his widow until the case is decided.

Phyllis Frye expects the case to be a long fight. "This will be a landmark case. We face a long legal battle which will likely reach the U.S. Supreme Court and will define future law on transgender recognition and same-sex marriage" (TFA-Help Us Win Justice for Wharton Widow). If you would like to contribute to Mrs. Araguz's legal fund, you can send contribution to (from TFA):

Transgender Foundation of America
604 Pacific
Houston, TX 77006

Make checks payable to Transgender Foundation of America. Please make sure to note that the payment is for the TG Center Nikki Araguz Fund.

Credit card contributions can be made using the following link:

www.tiny.cc/nikkisfund

The case of Nikki Araguz focuses attention on the uncertain marriage rights facing transgender people. Mrs. Araguz's opponents are basing their claims on the current status of transgender people in Texas law. Texas law currently does not allow for the ammending of sex on birth certificates and on the 1999 Texas Court of Appeals case Littleton v. Prange, the ruling of which can be read here. In this ruling, the Texas court ruled that Christie Lee Littleton, a transsexual woman suing a doctor over the wrongful death of her husband, "is a male. As a male, Christie cannot be married to another male. Her marriage to Jonathon was invalid, and she cannot bring a cause of action as his surviving spouse." The court cited lack of legislative and legal precedent in deciding the marital status of a transsexual woman. Because transgender people lack protections of their gender/sex identity, they can still be denied their rights as legitimate spouses.

Transgender people need to be more vocal in their support of marriage reform. Transgender people are often left on the sidelines in issues of rights because transgender issues are seen as more contentious even than gay rights issues. A case like Mrs. Araguz's could force change of the legal and legislative status of transgender people. Mrs. Araguz's case also brings attention to the need for transgender couples and spouses, along with gay and lesbian couples, to create legal wills to protect the legal rights of their partners in the event of their death.

But until a transgender woman is recognized as a woman and a transgender man is recognized as a man, transgender people will continue to face these sorts of challenges to their rights.

Reversal

2010-07-12T17:43:00.003-05:00

After an unintended 6 week break from updating, I'm back and hopefully will be posting a little more frequently. Part of what took up a lot of my time these past few weeks was moving to a new apartment. Even though I was only moving around the corner, the move still took up a lot of my time.

Whenever I move, the issue comes up about how to move my clothes. My family has helped out with many of my moves but because of their negative feelings about my transgender identity, I've always had to try to hide my clothes in some way. The increasing size of my wardrobe has only made hiding things more difficult. To avoid this issue and because the move was only a short distance in town, I decided to ask my friends for help and avoid having to ask my family for help.

A couple of friends were able to help but because of shenanigans with the apartment management and lousy weather, my parents ended up coming to town for the afternoon to help me finish moving. This necessitated a change in clothing.

I have lived as a woman for over 9 months now and in that time, few if any of my friends have even seen me dressed as a man. After I changed clothes, my friend couldn't stop staring at me and said it was so strange to see me dressed as a man again.

Being seen by other people for the first time dressed as a woman or man is an important step in the life of any transgender person. This was the first time I experienced what I would describe as a "reversal" of this situation and had someone be so used to and comfortable with me as a woman that she was surprised to see me dressed as a man.

I hope this will be the only time I experience a "reversal" like this!

Transgender Academics and Sexism

2010-05-31T18:50:00.010-05:00

A friend linked me to an article on Change.org entitled Experiences of Transgendered Profs a Case Study in Sexism. The article commented on an article by Shankar Vedantam in the Australian newspaper The Age entitled How the Sex Bias Prevails, which is an excerpt from his book The Hidden Brain. The subject of the article is interesting to me personally as a transgender woman in academia and I also feel that the comments to the online version of the aricle on The Age's website provide an interesting commentary on and support of the argument made in the article.

Vedantam begins by arguing that while sexism can be proven through laboratory experiments, it is often hard to prove in real life. He provided the example of a lab experiment in which two groups of volunteers were given the description of a manager they would be working for; for the first group the manager was named "Andrea" and for the second the manager was named "James." Nothing else about the description was changed. The experiment found that "[t]hree-quarters thought James was more likeable than Andrea" and that "four in five volunteers preferred to have James as their boss. Andrea seemed less likeable merely because she was a woman who happened to be a leader."

Vedantam argues that one way to prove the existence of sexism in real life would be to find people who are treated differently at different points in their lives when the only thing that changed about them was their sex/gender. He provides as a case study two trasngender biology professors at Standford: Joan Roughgarden and Ben Barres. While living as a woman, Ben described the various ways in which his intelligence and opinions were devalued, including having a professor say "You must have had your boyfriend solve it" after correctly solving a particularly difficult computer problem in a class at MIT. After transitioning, Ben found that people now treat him with more respect; "I can even complete a whole sentence without being interrupted by a man."

Joan's experience was, not surprisingly, almost the exact opposite. As a young male professor, "it felt as though tracks had been laid down; all Roughgarden had to do was stick to the tracks, and the high expectations that others had of the young biologist would do the rest." After publishing a paper challenging the traditional view of the role of tide pools, she received harsh reviews but her "ideas were taken seriously." After transitioning, Joan "said she no longer feels she has 'the right to be wrong.'" She found the reception to be very different when she challenged Darwin's theory of sexual selection. Instead of engaging with her about her theory, many scientists would yell at her and be physically intimidating. "At a meeting of the Ecological Society of America in Minneapolis, Joan said, a prominent expert jumped up on the stage after her talk and started shouting at her." When asked about interpersonal changes after transitioning, Joan said that "'You get interrupted when you are talking, you can't command attention, but above all you can't frame the issues.'"

Experiences like these are not unfamiliar to anyone who has transitioned, either in academia or outside of it. I've noticed slight changes in the way even I am sometimes treated, even at a much earlier stage in my transition, such as having to work harder to get students to quiet down so that we can start class. I think my experiences are different from Joan's for two reasons. (1) I'm begining my transition at a younger age and don't have an established career as a male academic to contrast my current experiences with. (2) Communication, the humanities and social sciences seem to be more accepting of gender differences than the hard sciences, in my opinion at least, but again it's very early in my academic career so I haven't served on committees yet or had people yell at me after presenting a paper at a convention. I will be going to the national convention in my field this Fall so we'll see if my presentations receive any different of a response compared to when I've presented papers as a male in the past.

Not only was the article itself interesting, but I also found many of the comments to be very revealing. Most of the ones I'll be talking about come from a single commenter known only as "Alex." His first comment attacks Joan's theory in the same way that is being argued in the article. He then follows it up by questioning Joan's emotional state.

"How does a transitioner's hormone therapy (when emotional behavior such as paranoia is heightened) factor into these findings?"

This is a common misogynist tactic; women can't make logical arguments because they are too emotional. He then continues his attack on her work.

"The more I read this theory, the more I can see why her peers ignore her 'work'. It's the stuff of a feminazi manipulator. But who knows... maybe one day militants will quote her theory in the same way the nazis quoted Darwin as a reason as to why they were the dominant race, born to rule Europe."

He is accusing Dr. Roughgarden of having an agenda that influenced her findings (like a man could never have an agenda!). Again, it just continues the theme that the research done by women is influenced by internal/external forces, which is an issue in the "objective" world of science. While a male scientist can just objectively observe the world around him, a female scientist searches for anything to support her political agenda or emotional state! My criticism of "Alex" would probably be seen as supporting his argument.

"Hmm, on the plus side because she is a she, some other femi-academic will feel sorry for her. And touched by all her troubles, she'll probably get tenure in some femi-faculty somewhere for being such a troubled woman.

Why couldn't she just resort to creating a good paper instead of whining?"

I always find it amusing when commenters are factually incorrect about the articles they are commenting on; if you read the article, you will see that Dr. Roughgarden already has tenure at Stanford. "Alex" continues his line of arugment by arguing that not only is women's research hampered by emotions and political agendas, but that these are the bases for academic advancement for women, not academic success. He argues that she is just "whining" instead of doing better research. While Dr. Roughgarden welcomes challenges to her theory, the strength or correctness is not the issue here. The issue is the way all women are treated when people disagree with them. The problem isn't that her theory could be stronger or might be incorrect but that she is being accused of whining and using what has happened to her to unfairly advance herself. It's the same argument that has been used against many underpriviledged and subordinate groups. Many people in dominant positions in society cannot recognize the advantages they've received toward advancement.

I'll leave you with two of "Alex's" responses to other commenters criticizing him, one female and one male. Notice any difference?

"Wow Lara.
Getting a bit emotional aren't you? I guess you can't help it, hey?

Shankar Vedantam is a man on a mission to sell books.
You should buy it Lara as it melds perfectly with your programing...though, it would be better if he was a she.
Isn't that right Lara?"

"@charlie
I believe you are addressing me. I also believe that this article is an advert for Vedantam's book. That headline about 'leaving no doubt' in the print paper is a bait and yes, I have bitten at it.

I bit at it as it truly annoys me... it annoys me that the research cited leaves many doubts as to the validity of Vedantam's commercial theories and Roughgarden's selective inter-species argument.
Ben Barres and Joan Roughgarden's experiences do not make for proof. Nor do Roughgarden's pet oystercatchers.

I too am familiar with Roughgarden's argument (though I'd forgotten her name until now) as I came across it a few years back but I quickly dismissed it as the use of a species of birds to prove anything to do with us, isn't logical. I suspect you read further into that argument than I did- your loss."

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Dating

2010-05-22T20:22:00.005-05:00

I've found myself more attracted to men lately. Or, to be more accurate, more interested in the idea of being with a man. This attraction has long been present but it's taken a lot of inner struggle to accept this part of me. I think for a long time I viewed my sexuality as one thing that made me "normal;" I might want to live/dress as a woman but at least I was still attracted to women. I am still attracted to women but I do have to acknowledge an attraction to men as well.

I would currently consider myself bisexual but as I told a class of undergraduates, sexual orientation doesn't matter that much when you're not in a relationship. That brings me to the subject of dating. I've never been the most active dater but I feel that dating is difficult for transgender individuals. People expect people to fit into certain boxes, the most basic of which is gender. When you don't quite fit into the box you claim for yourself, it seems to confuse or upset people.

As I grow to accept myself as a woman, I find that dating is one of those areas where I still lack the confidence to be the woman I am. Particularly in regards to online dating. I think I do okay with in-person interactions but I still lack the confidence to get on an online dating site and select "Woman" for my sex/gender and open myself up to the negative reactions of people who came to the site looking for a "real" woman.

I think all you can do is try to be as open and honest as you can while still protecting yourself. That's one of the reasons I like to try to meet people through friends. My friends act as sort of a filter; they know me and know the other person so I trust them more than a dating site to introduce me to people. (Though I can't say it's made much of a difference recently).

I think another hurdle I face personally is that I don't really like the places people go to meet people. I've never really cared for bars and clubs, mainly because I don't drink. I think another reason I don't like trying to meet people in places like this is that meeting people in a club or bar seems to be mainly based on physical attraction (in my opinion at least). Physical attraction isn't that important to me; I usually don't see someone and think "I want to date them!" It's usually only after getting to know someone a little better that I find myself attracted to them. Now, I don't mean that I have to know someone for an extended period of time or be friends with them before dating; getting to talk with someone and get to know them better in the more private setting of a date works for me too. But the thing that leads to this type of conversation usually isn't seeing someone across a crowded club. I've also never really seen myself as the type of person that someone else would be attracted to in this way; I've never thought someone would see me from across the bar and think "I have to talk to her."

Dating is tough for everyone and meeting people seems to be the most difficult part. All I want is to find someone who can love me for who I am. But I'm going to need some help meeting that person.

The Cumulative Effect of Negative Comments

2010-04-29T21:46:00.004-05:00

After class tonight, I was hungry so I decided to go to the Golden Arches drive thru for a quick bite. I paid at the first window and picked up my food at the second window. As I took the bag, a young, male employee standing behind the person who gave me my food exlaimed "Aw, hell no!" and quickly turned to hide his laughter. I just took my food and drove away.

Most transgender women (and men) have experienced situations like this. I know it was far from the first for me. At this point, individual comments like this one don't upset me that much. They're like water off a duck's back. I differentiate all the little comments and strange looks and laughter from the more direct attacks and challenges to my identity as a transgender woman. But all of these comments still have an effect. The effect is just more cumulative.

I think Michel Foucault can help us better understand the cumulative effect of these negative comments. In Volume One of The History of Sexuality, he argues that secrecy in regards to sex is part of the working of power against sexual expression. "Not only because power imposes secrecy on those whom it dominates, but because it is perhaps just as indispensable to the latter: would they accept it if they did not see it as a mere limit placed on their desire, leaving a measure of freedom - however slight - intact? Power as a pure limit set on freedom is, at least in our society, the general form of its acceptability" (86). For Foucault, power is created through discourse and the discourse surrounding sex is generally one of taboo and prohibition.

The negative comments directed toward trans women are a manifestation of this discourse of power. The negative comments are meant to have the effect of making trans women feel that being transgender is wrong or worry about their ability to pass. These comments are also meant to push trans women who are out back into the closet, to make them be more secretive about their trans identity.

I argue that the effect of this discourse is cumulative because one comment alone is usually not enough to have an impact but dealing with almost daily looks and comments can begin to have the intended repressive effect. Most transgender women downplay the effect of these types of comments and as I said, individually they don't have much effect. But we need to begin to pay more attention to this type of discourse because it is the most frequent form of repression transgender people encounter.

Transgender Women and Body Image

2010-04-26T14:07:00.003-05:00

Transgender women, and other transgender individuals, face intense pressure from society about their non-binary gender identity. Many trans women internalize the feeling that being transgender is wrong, and it takes a lot of time and effort to overcome this feelling and be comfortable with who you are. But this is far from the only pressure trans women face.

I know from personal experience that one of the other major barriers to a trans woman being comfortable with who she is in public is the feeling that you could never "pass" or even look decent as a woman. I did not pursue living as a woman for many years because I belived I could never look like a woman. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a man in a dress.

As I've discussed in previous posts, I've reached the point where I feel like a woman and see myself as a woman but seeing myself as a "man in a dress" hasn't entirely disappeared. When I catch my reflection in the mirror at a certain angle or see a picture of myself, sometimes all I can see are the parts of myself that scream "man!" I know many other trans women have felt the same way. We also worry about our weight, whether or not our feet look too big in a certain pair of shoes, if our hair and makeup look okay, etc.

To me, these are the same concerns with body image that all women share. There's nothing different from a trans woman and a "real" woman looking at herself in the mirror, taking note of the flaws she sees in herself and debating if it was really worth spending $50 on a new dress "because it just makes me look fat anyway."

We've all internalized society's standards of beauty, whether you were born a woman or just learning to be the woman you are. And thinking that trans women somehow escaped this pressue to fit into certain standards for body image because they weren't born women is ridiculous. There is currently no acceptable trans body image, no place in-between male and female. To be trans is to try to fit into society's standards for that sex. Some through trial and error develop the self-confidence to be who they are. Some, particularly genderqueer individuals, actively challenge society's standards. And some never leave their houses.

Trans women need to recognize society's body image standards for what they are: socially constructed standards. Every woman is a unique individual; very few people fit into the supermodel/Barbie standard that society has established for women. If you fit into this category, great! But most people don't. Trans women need to learn to see themselves as the unique individuals that they are. So what if we don't all fit into society's image of women! It would be a boring place if we were all the same. Be confident in who you are as a woman, not what someone else expects you to be!

I know this is a lesson I'm still trying to learn myself.

U.S. Manga Sales Down 20% in 2009

2010-04-16T23:38:00.002-05:00

The pop culture business website ICv2 reports that manga sales in the U.S. were down 20% in 2009 from $175 million to $140 million. This is after a drop from a high of $210 million in 2007. To put this in perspective, the movie industry made over $10 billion in 2009.

I will be the first to admit that I didn't buy as much manga last year as I have in years past. As I looked at the pile of unread manga volumes on my desk, I couldn't quite down to the local bookstore and buy more when I knew they were just going to sit there for months as I focused on my grad school reading. Now I buy manga more in bunches; when I get a break, I'll read through the manga I have and then go buy some more.

It's interesting to note that the author of the ICv2 article points out the female fans as a factor in the decline in manga sales. Manga has long been one of the few pop culture forms that specifically targeted female fans and these fans can be rightly credited with the manga boom in the U.S. For many of the geek fandoms in the U.S., having female fans is just an added benefit, not a group to try to specifically appeal to. Now that these fans are in their late 20s/early 30s, the article argues, the shoujo (girls' comics) manga that led to the boom is not as appealing and the josei (women's comics) manga titles that have come out haven't caught on at the same level.

It will be interesting to see if the U.S. manga industry can find a way to keep these older fans interested in manga or find ways to appeal to a new generation of female fans. I just hope they will continue to bring titles to the U.S. that appeal to female readers and don't decide, like every other fandom, that the only way to survive is to try to be more appealing to males.

Be Yourself!

2010-04-06T22:21:00.004-05:00

Last week, a friend and I went to see the new film "How to Train Your Dragon: from Dreamworks Animation. The film itself was very good a features a younng Viking boy who struggles to find his place in his warrior culture. The film got me thinking about a prominent feature of many animated films.

The message of many of these films is "Be yourself!" Many animated films feature characters who don't fit in in their society. Po in "Kung Fu Panda" struggles to find his place in his father's noodle shop and in the dojo of the Furious Five. Belle in "Beauty and the Beast" is ostracized by the people in her community because she is interested in reading and seeing the world instead of marrying Gaston. "The Little Mermaid," "Shrek," "Lilo & Stitch," "Mulan" and many other films feature this message.

This is obviously a lesson that we as a society have decided is important and is something that we should be teaching our children. As a transgender woman I can't help but note the disparity between the message of these films and the way trans people are treated. It seems that we want our children to learn to be themselves, but only to a certain point.

Feeling Like a Woman

2010-03-31T15:27:00.006-05:00

This morning as I got to the building my office is in, a guy was a few feet in front of me and stopped to hold the door open for me. It stood out for me because this still doesn't happen often for me. Most of the time guys just hold the door open for me if I'm right behind them, not far enough behind that they'd have to stop and wait.

Though it may not get people to hold the door for me, I feel more like a woman lately. This is something I've just started to feel in the last few weeks. For a long time, I still felt like a man dressing as a woman. Now, I'm starting to just feel like a woman. It doesn't feel like a special event anymore to dress as a woman; it just feels natural. Instead of feeling like a woman, I should probably say I feel like myself.

When I speak to undergrad clsses, I'm often asked a version of the question "What is different between being a man and woman?" It took me a while to find an answer to this question. At first, I would talk about how I didn't want to give in to stereotypes, saying that I didn't want to say being a woman let me wear clothes I like more or to be more emotional. Then I realized why it was so hard for me to answer this question: I don't know if I ever really knew what it meant to be a "real" man. It's not that I was a man and now I'm a woman; I've always been a woman. It's just that the outside now matches the inside! This answer always surprises people becuase I think they expect me to say that I don't know what it means to be a woman.

Whether that makes me a woman or not, I know that I'm happy with who I am!

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Blisters on My Toes

2010-03-13T22:52:00.009-06:00

This past Tuesday I had the opportunity to talk with two Women's Studies classes about my experiences as a transgender woman. I was really looking forward to the opprutnity to speak with the classes because it was my first chance to speak with classes outside of the Communication department. I wanted to look my best so I wore my yellow blouse and black-and-white polka-dot skirt, the same outfit I wore for my Radio Interview, with a cute pairt of high-heeled black lattice sandals. While I thought I looked pretty good, if I do say so myself, I didn't plan on standing up for nearly four hours straight! Needless to say, my feet were killing me by the end of the second class and I woke up the next morning with huge blisters on my big toes.

I was very happy the gladiator sandals. pictured to the left, I ordered online from Payless arrived at my local store the next day. The sandals are really comfortable and saved my toes from more pain. I had been wanting a new pair of black low-healed shoes because I was wearing the same pair quite a bit, and I'm very happy with my purchase. I was also very happy with my experience ordering direct-to-store with Payless; I still like to try on clothes and shoes before buying them but I think I'll be ordering online again in the future when a style of shoes I like isn't available in my local store.

Wardrobe Discussion

2010-03-12T23:23:00.005-06:00

I'm visiting my family for the weekend and as I was chatting with my mom this evening, we began to talk about my degree progress and how things will probably go for the next couple of years. We discussed how comps and the dissertation will generally go and also talked about the possibility of applying for jobs in the Fall. For the last couple of years, I have been suffering repeated sinus infections, which seem to be much more intense and frequent where I currently live than any other place I've lived before, so improving health would be one of many benefits of getting a job and moving somewhere else sooner rather than later. My mom then said that when the time comes for applying for jobs, she feels that I need a new wardrobe. A male wardrobe. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom that I don't plan on wearing male clothes for my interviews.

I feel that situations like this will only continue to increase in the future and I'm uncertain how to deal with them. Do I allow my parents to pay for new clothes for me that I don't intend to wear in order to not upset our relationship? I'm torn about decisions like this because I want to enjoy my relationship with my family for as long as I can but I also don't plan to stop living as a woman. I've been trying to balance my relationship with my family and my need to be who I am, and everything has been going very well. But I'm not sure I want my parents spending money on expensive clothes like dress shirts and suits that I don't intend to wear.

Fortunately, the "wardrobe situation" won't be an issue for a while so I have some time to consider my options.

Seeing Myself as the Woman I Am

2010-02-20T22:17:00.005-06:00

Although I have been dressing as a woman for nearly 5 months now, it has taken a while for me to see myself as a woman, not as a man dressed as a woman.

Now when I see myself, I do see a woman. Sometimes I even catch myself wondering how other people can see me as a man.

My longer hair does help some but that's not all it is. I think it's mainly overcoming the years of being told that crossdressing is wrong or that I would never look good as a woman and being able to see myself as the woman I am. It's not about trying to copy someone else but learning to appreciate the things that make me a woman.

Another thing that happened recently that boosted my confidence came after speaking in front of a class of 250 undergrads. After my talk, I was discussing it with the professor and she said she noticed that I was saying "I feel," which to her is a very feminine way of speaking, instead of "I think," which to her is more masculine. She asked if I had made a conscious decision to do that and I said no because it's something I hadn't even realized I was doing, it's just the way I talk. I often get asked during the Q&A portions of my talks what I feel is most different about being a woman or what I like more about being a woman over being a man. It's always difficult for me to answer these types of questions because I don't feel that I act all that differently; I feel in many ways that I've always been a feminine person, it just seems to match better now that I'm living as a woman instead of as a man. I may not have ever really known/understood what it meant to be a man.

As good as I may have been feeling recently, life always wants to remind me that others don't always see me the same way that I see myself. This evening I went to see a friend in a community theater production. When I got to the box office to pay for my ticket, the woman behind the counter said "Can I help you, sir?" That little honorific was all I needed to be reminded once again that not everyone will see me for the woman I feel I am.

Transgender Geek

2010-02-10T15:54:00.011-06:00

After nearly a month, I'm finally back for a new post. It's always tough for me to get into the groove of things again at the start of a new semester and often makes it difficult to find time to other things, like post to a blog (at least that's the excuse I'm using for not having posted in so long...).

Anyway, I've been wanting to talk for a while about being a transgender geek. By "transgender geek" I mean a transgender person who also identifies as a geek, not a person who is a geek for trangender things (though I may be one of those too since I love discovering anything new related to trangenderism, including films, TV shows, books, blogs, etc.). I touched on this topic a little bit in an earlier post, Cosplay and Conventions on September 18, 2009, but I want to talk about it a little more in depth.

My life as a geek began at a very young age. I remember as a child watching cartoons like G.I. Joe, Voltron and He-Man but those were just preparation for what I consider my first geek passion: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I loved the cartoon and would spend hours playing with the action figures I had collected. The show also featured prominently in my early transgender identity. I remember watching the show one day and wishing I could grow up to be like April O'Neil, the Turtles sexy reporter friend, but feeling I was more likely to grow up to be like Irma, April's frumpy assistant. Dreaming of being a woman when I grew up did not seem strange to me; I was more interested in what type of woman I would be.

April O'Neil

My geek identity continued to develop along with my transgender identity. I've always tended to be more into viusal texts, the Star Wars films, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Audrey Hepbun films, etc., than other forms of expression. I've always been a slow reader and may have felt a little intimidated by the numerous books that made up long-running scifi and fantasy series. I was also really into videogames in junior high and high school, even receiving a scolding from my mother once for having my nose buried in a videogame magazine which she felt would lead me to "never get a girlfriend" (if she only knew at the time what she would be getting upset at me about in the future...). I still play videogames, I do have a Wii, when I can but videogames are usually the first thing to be put to the side when I get busy.

Not long into my high school life I discovered anime and that has remained my main geek passion for over ten years. After twisting my knee at a summer church camp, I was recuperating at home when I first saw the series Sailor Moon. Though I had seen some anime before, Sailor Moon was the first show that seemed noticably different to me. I loved the monster-of-the-week story that expanded as the series went on, the characters you could identify with and, of course, the cute costumes. The series also stood out to me because it featured a cast of female characters in the "boys only" world of afternoon cartoons.

Sailor Moon is a good example of the difficulty I have in separating my geek and transgender identities. For my developing transgender identity, shows like Sailor Moon proved an important milestone by offering female characters to identify with. My love of anime has grown over the years to include many more great shows and great characters. I also regularly attend anime conventions and participate in cosplay, dressing up as my favorite characters and also in my Gothic Lolita finery.

No one's identity can be defined by only one aspect. I believe people need to continue to explore the different aspects of their identity and the way these different aspects interact. I also don't think transgender people should have to hide certain parts of who they are; we've had to do too much of that in our lives. I'm not ashamed to have been a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to play videogames or to be an avid anime fan. I also don't think that having these passions make me any less of a woman. I hope that all transgender people can be as open about who they are and have been, not having to hide certain parts of who they are to try to fit some idea of what it means to be a woman or man.

Radio Interview

2010-01-10T23:41:00.005-06:00

This afternoon, I was interviewed by the local radio program "Information Underground" about my experiences as a transsexual woman and the impact that has had on my life as a graduate student and instructor. The interview can be heard here Information Underground January 10, 2010. The interview should begin playing immediately and my segment begins at around the 19 minute point.

Above are a couple of pictures of the outfit I wore to the interview. A friend that I had dinner with later joked "You sure look nice for your radio interview."

I know I've discussed this before but I do like to look nice. It's really just my personal style, not anything to do with my feelings about gender roles or how other women should or should not dress. According to Claudine Griggs (1998) in S/he: Changing Sex and Changing Clothes, "MTFs seem to dress in extremes during their transitions, often wearing stereotypic and/or provocative fashions, overdressing for informal occassions, and wearing clothes that are too youthful for their age . . . Many MTFs seem to delight in ultra-feminine clothes during the early stages of transition" (p. 14-15). Griggs also discusses her own fashion choices during her transition, moving from a June Cleaver-esque "initiation stage" of dresses, heels and makeup to a "rebellion stage" of faded jeans, sweatshirts and drip-dried hair.

I may be in my own "initiation stage" where I'm just so happy to be able to dress how I want, but I feel that too often people try to make to many generalizations about what being transsexual means. Just because one transsexual chooses to dress in a feminine style doesn't mean that every transsexual has to dress in a feminine style; likewise, just because dressing in a feminine style was for one transsexual just a stage in her development as a woman doesn't mean that it will be that way for every transsexual.

I guess only time will tell what it will be for me.

Seeing Male and Female

2010-01-07T20:04:00.004-06:00

The chapter "Toward a Theory of Gender" by Suzanne J. Kessler and Wendy McKenna in The Transgender Studies Reader edited by Susan Stryker and Stephen Whittle provides an interesting discussion of how people attribute gender that is useful for transgender women and men. The authors' main argument is that people use a schema when seeing someone as male or female, the schema being that you "[s]ee someone as female only when you cannot see them as male" (p. 176). When reading the gender of others, male is the default gender that is seen, and people try to eliminate all male characteristics before seeing someone as female. The presence of any characteristics designated as male identifies the person as male for most people, even when confronted with contradictory information. The penis is the most powerful indentifying characteristic and is often enough to override other characteristics.

The authors conducted tests to determine how people attribute gender to others. In the first test, participants where allowed to ask 10 questions to determine the gender of an unknown and unseen person, without asking "Is the person male/female?" Questions typically dealt with physical characteristics like height and weight with occasional questions about social perceptions of gender, such as clothes worn and having a job or not. Secondary sex characteristics, such as prescence or lack of breasts and development of biceps, were occasionally asked about but genitals never were, which was seen by participants as tantamount to asking if the person was male/female. The interesting thing about this test was the way people were able to adjust the information they were provided with to fit the gender they perceived for the unknown person, for example thinking that a person over 5'8" would be male and then adjusting that perception to include tall women when presented with the information that the person has protruding breasts and wears skirts.

The second test involved plastic overlays of characteristics, including short/long hair, body hair/no body hair, wide/narrow hips, breasts/no breasts, penis/vagina and gender neutral clothes/lack of clothes, over a neutral face. The test again found that characteristics identified as male or female were not enough to identify the sex of the figure; information was usually made to fit the perception of the figure. Being able to see the genitals of the figure produced interesting results. The presence of a penis was enough to override all other characteristics identified as female (long hair, wide hips, breasts, no body hair) but the presence of a vagina was not enough to override characterstics identified as male (short hair, narrow hips, no breasts, body hair). This supports the authors' argument that male is the default gender seen by people, with the male characteristics needing to not be present to see someone as female. These characterstics are, of course, determined by the culture and not biologically.

The authors argue that the working of this schema is the cause of the difficulty faced by transgender women in "passing" as female; as others examine the transgender woman to determine her gender, the presence of some male characteristics override more obviously female characteristics, like breasts, hairstyle and dress. "The relative ease with which female-to-male transsexuals 'pass' as compared to male-to-female transsexuals underscores this point" (p. 176). Because of the tendency to see male as the default gender, "[i]t is rare to see a person one thinks is a man and then wonder if one has made a 'mistake.' However, it is not uncommon to wonder if someone is 'really' a woman" (p. 176).

While this tendency may seem difficult to overcome, the authors also point out that first impressions of gender are essential; we often work to support our first perceptions of another person's gender and find it difficult to discredit that perception. It is even difficult for other people to see transgender women as men if they have never known them as men. The authors argue that the first impression is crucial for transgender women and men, much more important than trying to maintain the image of the "perfect" woman or man. "If transsexuals understood these features of discrediting they would (1) focus on creating decisive first impressions as male or female and (2) then stop worrying about being the perfect man or woman and concentrate on cultivating the naturalness (i.e., the historicity) of their maleness or femaleness" (p. 177).

I will be interested to test the importance and effectivess of first impressions in the next couple of weeks. While I have taught and attended classes as a woman in the past, this will be the first time I will be starting a semester as Lucy. In the past, I began the semester as a man and made the switch to living as a woman during the course of the semester; it may have been difficult for my students and classmates to overcome their first impressions of me as a man despite the fact that I began living as a woman. I wonder what impact only knowing me as Lucy will have on my reception by and interaction with my students?

Goal for 2010

2010-01-02T22:52:00.002-06:00

I have one main goal for 2010 and it's a fairly simple goal. My goal is to spend more days this year living and dressing as a woman than as a man.

I spent a lot of time in 2009 living as Lucy, a month or so in the Summer and most of the last 3 months of the year, but I want to spend even more time as Lucy in 2010. I feel that making the decision in September to once again live and teach as a woman full-time will make this an easy goal to accomplish. I have other goals for this year, including looking for a therapist and doing as much academic writing as I can, but this is my main goal for 2010.

An "Easy" Change

2009-12-23T23:53:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, I was watching TV with my mom and we ended up watching some of Sarah Palin's appearance on Oprah. At one point, Palin made a comment related to abortion being "easy" and I said that I disliked people characterizing abortion as "easy" because it gives the impression that it's something that women just choose to do on a whim, that it's not a difficult decision that people struggle with.

While my mom did agree with that, she said she still feels that abortion is easy compared to dealing with the consequences of getting pregnant, either by keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption. She said she felt that as a society we don't want to deal with the consequences of our actions anymore; if there's something about our life that we don't like, we want to just change it instead of dealing with the things that happen to us. If something interferes with our life or the way we think our life should go, we want to just change it.

I do think women should be told all of their options when they get pregnant but I also believe that safe, legal abortions should be available to women who choose to have them. Getting rid or abortions or making them illegal isn't going to stop them from happening, it's just going to make them more dangerous and potentially deadly for the women who choose to have them, as they were before Roe v. Wade.

On a more personal note, my mom's comments got me to thinking about how they would apply to me. I can easily see her arguing that wanting to dress and live as a woman is me seeking an easy change because I can't handle being a man who's a little different. I'm not happy being a man so I'll just change and be a woman. Staying a man would be me dealing with my situation and becoming a womann would be me avoiding the situation by looking for an easy answer. While I don't agree that living as or becoming a woman is "easy," my mom's comments helped me understand her feelings better.

Employment & ENDA

2009-12-18T21:42:00.005-06:00

As the current semester comes to a close, it's gotten me thinking about my job recently.

I consider myself lucky to be part of academia. Not only has it given me the opportunity to explore my gender and sexual identity and to speak to others about being transgender, but it is also one of the few careers where being transgender could actually be considered an advantage instead of a disadvantage.

I appreciate the opportunities that being an academic has given me and recognize the other advantages that I have. As a White American, I know that I do not face the oppression that my minority sisters face. Being in academia also gives me a lot more financial stability than many working class people face. A friend told me recently about a prison guard who made the decision to transition and was harassed by her fellow guards to the point where she threatened suicide and was quickly fired. I don't know if I could continue to be open about being transgender in the face of that level of harassment.

I guess I will find out for sure how much of an advantage or disadvantage my transgender identity will be in a couple of years when I finally finish my PhD and head out into the job market looking for my first professorship. I want to do as much writing and speaking about being transgender as I can between now and then. I want to make being transgender something I get hired for instead of something I'm hired in spite of. That of course assumes I'll get hired at all. With the economy the way it is, even colleges and universities may decide to hire someone who is a "normal" male or female, whatever that means, than have to deal with the issues related to hiring an openly transgender person.

Something that will help the employment of all gay, lesbian and transgender Americans is the passage of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA). While the bill has had a topsy-turvy history, the passage in October of the Matthew Shepard Hate Crime Prevention Act that updates hate crime law to include disability status, gender or sexual orientation (Femulate) gives many GLBT activists hope that ENDA may be passed soon. I just hope ENDA actually improves the work-lives of GLBT people and employers don't just start firing GLBT people for other reasons, such as being late to work too often or random layoffs, that aren't directly related to their gender/sexual identity.

For more information about ENDA, go to Pass ENDA Now. One thing that does bother me is that the first result that comes up in a Google search for "ENDA & transgender" is this 2007 post from Americans for Truth. This is the kind of rhetoric that continues to make life difficult/impossible for transgender people in this country.

What's in a Name

2009-12-04T22:23:00.004-06:00

I'm often asked how I chose the name Lucy. I think most people assume there must be some deep, personal reason behind my choice, but the short answer is that I just liked how it sounded.

I tried out many names as I searched for the one that I felt was just right for me. At first, my choices leaned toward the more uncommon with names like Corrina, Annabelle and Viola. For a while, I used the name Sophie but it just never felt quite right. I also asked my mom on a few different occasions what she would have named me if I had been born female, thinking that I might use that name either for my first or middle name, but she would never tell me, probably guessing my reason for asking. As I continued to try out different names, I liked the way Lucy sounded; it felt like me.

Lucy is a name that's always been around me, mostly from pop culture. From Lucille Ball (and no, my name is not Lucille; it's just Lucy) to Lucy from Peanuts to Lucy Lawless of Xena: Warrior Princess fame (who my mom is a HUGE fan of). The main character of the anime series Fairy Tail, which I am currently following on Crunchyroll, is also named Lucy.

Lucy from Fairy Tail

I also liked that Lucy is a normal, fairly common name but also that you don't meet a Lucy every day. I was able to maintain my uniqueness somewhat without people constantly asking how to spell my name or thinking that I had chosen it to make myself stand out more.

The simplicity of my name, though, often seems to be lost on restaurant workers. Many times I've had to repeat my name more than once when asked a name to use for an order. Now, sometimes I may not speak loudly enough for them to hear me but it seems to me at other times that they can tell that I'm male, even though I'm dressed and presenting as a woman, and so are questioning the legitimacy of the name Lucy. This feeling has been confirmed on more than one occasion when I have had to pick up an order for a "Lucian." The masculinizing of my name bothers me; you may not agree with me that I am a woman but when I tell you my name is Lucy, I expect to be called Lucy, especially at a restaurant. If I said my name was "Darth Vader," I would expect to pick up an order for "Darth Vader." I'm not as bothered when people I know still use my male name because I understand that it's a transition process but with someone I don't know at a restaurant, I would expect to be called by the name that I give.

A Few Thoughts on Shopping

2009-12-04T00:07:00.005-06:00

I've been doing a lot of shopping recently. I've been really happy with the way I've been able to build my wardrobe. One of my first concerns about making the transition to living full-time as a woman was having enough to wear; I didn't want to wear the same things all the time. I'm very happy that I can now go weeks, if not months, without wearing the same thing twice :)

Not suprisingly, I never was much of a shopper as a guy. Guy's clothes just don't really interest me that much. I was always interested in women's clothes, of course, and always wondered how interested I would be in shopping if I was actually given the chance to dress how I want. I always had a feeling that I would be a bit of a clotheshorse.

I had the thought yesterday after buying a couple of new sweaters at Target if I've been spending too much on clothes recently. Again, shopping as much as I have been for clothes is still new to me, even if I am enjoying it. Then I paused and remembered that much of the shopping I have been doing these past few months has been out of necessity, not just a desire for something new to wear. I didn't buy those sweaters yesterday just because I felt like spending some money but because it has been chilly these past few days and I don't really have much to wear when it's cold.

I've been almost stubbornly open and public as a crossdresser. Unlike many other crossdressers, I was never really satisfied with just dressing up alone in my house. As a practical person, it was hard for me to justify spending money on clothes that no one else would ever see me wear. That's why I chose to focus on cosplay costumes because at least I would get to wear them at a convention. So when I decided earlier this year that I wanted to start dressing full-time as a woman, I literally had two outfits that I could wear. Two! Pretty much everything I have in my wardrobe now has been purchased since March.

I 'm happy with the progress I've made in such as short time but there are still some holes that I'm trying to fill in my wardrobe. I'm to the point where I can get by on a day-to-day basis (I'm not wearing the same outfit every other day) but each new situation reminds me of what still needs to be added. When it gets cold, I have to buy sweaters not because I'm tired of my old ones but because I don't have any old ones! Thankfully, though, those situations are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes by.

Bargain-hunting has been a blessing for me in building my wardrobe. Most of the clothes in my closet are from Target; their clothes are reasonably priced (they even have a good clearance section) and they fit my style. My style tends to be a little on the conservative side (I like the descriptors elegant and professional that friends have used) but that's just out of personal taste and not any feelings of how women should or shouldn't dress. Audrey Hepburn is my style icon and I love the styles of the 1950's and 60's.

Charlotte Russe is another store that has proven very fruitful, especially their clearance section. I've had the most luck there with tops; dresses and skirts haven't fit as well. I've purchased a few things at Wal-Mart, mainly because of the low prices, but the clothes there tend to be a little too casual/country for my tastes. I've also purchased a couple of dresses from Chadwicks and will definitely be purchasing more from them in the future because they have very stylish clothes and great bargains! And while I do love JC Penney's and especially their Worthington line, I haven't always had the most pleasant shopping experience at the store here in town, but that's a story for another time.

The next challenge will be next semester, which will be the first time I will teach an entire semester as a woman. I feel much better prepared to face this challenge, in ways beyond just clothing, than I felt back in March when I first made this decision.

Thanksgiving and the holidays

2009-11-25T23:58:00.003-06:00

I'm currently at my parent's home for Thanksgiving. We will be having Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparent's house tomorrow with most of my family. I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. We get along well and I am thankful to have such a strong relationship with my family but as I've often written about on this blog, times like this always make me very aware of the differences in our feelings about who I am as a transgender person.

The holidays in the past have always made me acutely aware of my feelings but I feel it's going to be especially hard this year because I feel I've made very important strides in understanding and expressing who I am as a transgender woman in the past year. I am now living almost entirely full-time as a woman and I am beginning to explore the possibility of becoming a woman through hormone treatment and surgery. The only time I'm not a woman is when I am with my family.

They are still unable to accept that I am transgender. They firmly believe that crossdressing is wrong and they have a very definite image of who I am, an image that doesn't include being a woman. So whenever I am with them, I feel like I once again have to hide an important part of who I am.

Some of the decisions I will be making in the future will make it more difficult to hide that I am a woman; I don't know how they will react to these decisions so next Thanksgiving they may not want to see me at all.

For now, I'm going to be thankful for what I have, time to spend with my family and the freedom to be who I am when I'm not with them, and worry about the future later.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

2009-11-20T23:31:00.003-06:00

As many of you know, today is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.

A day like this always makes me pause and reflect. Not only pause and think about the 162 known trans people in the world who were killed in the past year but also to think about my own life as a transgender person.

I've made some important decisions and changes in my life in the past year, changes that make me much more visible as a trans person in the community I live in. I consider myself lucky that I've never really been threatened with physical violence because I am transgender, but I know it's always a possibility.

A day like today brings up the fears that I am sure all of us have. But we can't let these fears stop us from being who we are. It's only by being out there and being visible that we'll be able to become a part of everyday life. Many people today have still never really met a transgender person. It's only through personal experience that transgender people will become human to most people, instead of something weird they see on the news or read about online.

And it's only by becoming a visible part of everyday life that we'll begin to reduce the levels of hate and violence directed toward trans people.

Today is a day to remember those we've lost and continue to work on building a better tomorrow.

Hot for Teacher

2009-11-18T21:42:00.002-06:00

The title of this post is, of course, a nod to Van Halen. I don't really have much to say, long day, but I was just so happy with how this outfit that I wore to teach today turned out that I wanted to share it :)

I've got a busy couple of weeks coming up as the semester starts winding down. I'm trying to get as much done as I can before Thanksgiving. I remember when I used to look forward to the Thanksgiving break; now it's a reminder of how little time I have to get stuff done...

Speaking Engagements

2009-11-12T16:13:00.005-06:00

I had the opportunity recently to speak to a couple of Intercultural Communication classes about being transgender. Before I share some of my thoughts on the presentations, I want to share a couple of pics of the new dresses I bought for the occasion :)

I wore the red dress to my first presentation and the blue dress to the second. Both dresses were purchased from Chadwicks, which is one of my favorite stores :)

Both presentations were structured in the form of an interview, which is a format that had been used in a speaking engagement earlier this year, with the Instructor for the course filling the role of interviewer. It is a useful format because it keeps the discussion on track.

Both talks began with definitions of transgender terms about which most of the audience was unfamiliar. I personally use transgender as an umbrella term to include all forms of cross-gender behavior, as many researchers do, and I also discussed what being transsexual means to me. Talking about being transsexual was interesting for me because this was my first opportunity to discuss this with a large group since coming to my own understanding that I am transsexual.

Both talks also featured long discussions of religion and dating/relationships. One class found the dating part especially interesting as evidenced by the furious shuffling of paper when the topic was introduced :)

When the floor was opened up for questions at the end, I was impressed by the level of respect from the audience. Some of the questions were very interesting, particularly one about raising children, but everyone who asked a question was respectful. The university I attend and teach at is very conservative so I can never be 100% sure of the reception I will receive when sharing my transgender identity with others. But so far I have found that the undergraduate students are mostly respectful, particularly in the context of the classroom.

I also feel that one reason I have received the reception I have is that I don't come across as angry when discussing transgender issues. I am passionate about discussing my own experiences and the treatment of transgender people, but it's not in my nature to be angry. I try to live by example and to me it's more important to be myself on campus and in the classroom than go off on some angry rant. I feel that the students pick up on that.

I hope to continue speaking to students on campus. As one instructor said, most of the students just don't have any personal experience with transgender people and I think that it's important to give them the opportunity to learn more about what being transgender means.

In the future, I believe I will structure my speaking engagements as talks instead of interviews so that I can be more focused on what I want to discuss. I also hope to start talking to groups outside of the campus environment. I believe it's important for everyone to have more exposure to transgender people, not just college students.

Not a Mistake

2009-11-02T21:11:00.006-06:00

The above clip is from an episode of The Tyra Banks Show in which Tyra interviews Isis King, the first transgender finalist on America's Next Top Model. Many of the other finalists raised concerns during the show about living with Isis and in this segment of the episode, Isis talks with Clark, one of the other finalists from that season, about her concerns. Clark, a self-identified Southerner and Southern Baptist, raises an issue that is often echoed by Christians who do not agree with transgenderism in general and transsexualism in particular which is that by wanting to change your body to match the gender you feel you are, you are implying that God made a mistake by putting you in the wrong body and this isn't possible because God doesn't make mistakes.

I use this clip as an example to discuss my feelings about this argument. I am a Christian, and was also raised Southern Baptist, and while religion will not be a major focus of this blog, it is an important part of my life. My transgender/transsexual feelings and my faith are important parts of who I am today.

In response to Clark's statement, Isis says "God doesn't make mistakes and I'm not a mistake." This is the same way I feel about my transsexuality. This issue was one of the major barriers I had that prevented me from understanding my own transsexual identity. I repeatedly heard and read other transsexuals say that they felt that God had made a mistake and that they had been born in the wrong body. But my faith had led me to believe that God doesn't make mistakes. It took a lot of self-reflection and prayer for me to reconcile these disparate feelings.

This reconciliation came out of my wish that I could one day just magically wake up a woman. I would constantly pray to either wake up the next day a woman or for the past to be changed so that I had been born female. I always felt things would have been so much simpler if I had been born female but I found that as I thought about this idea, I would spend a lot of time trying to think about how the events of my life could have been basically the same so that I would still be the same person, like the same things and have the same friends.

Then, one day I had the realization that if I had been born female, I would not be the person I am today. I might have been a very similar person personality wise and in terms of the things I like, but I would not have had the exact same life or the exact same experiences. And I realized that I like who I am. Even though I may feel that I am a woman and want to change my body to match that feeling, I like who I am as a person and wouldn't want to change that. That's when I had my epiphany.

God made me who I am and being transsexual is part of who I am.

He did not make a mistake, either for Isis or for me. Being transsexual is not "fixing a problem," it's just part of who I am. I was a man before and now I'm on the road to becoming a woman. Sure, it's not the same path that the majority of people take but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Being transsexual isn't a problem to be fixed or overcome, it's part of who I am.

I'm proud to be transsexual!

Now, this doesn't mean I won't have my doubts or concerns but it is something I'm feeling more confident about each day. All I know is that I can't do this alone. I love everyone who has been there to support me so far and I hope I will always have great friends by my side as I walk down this path. I also hope to someday have a partner, that special someone, who can walk this path with me. But that's a post for another time :)

Ripping the band-aid off

2009-11-01T20:46:00.002-06:00

I went home today to celebrate my sister's birthday and every time I go home, I leave feeling stressed and upset.

I love my family and we get along for the most part but the more I move toward becoming a woman, the more I feel like there's an 800-pound gorilla on my shoulders weighing me down every time I see my family. The disconnect between who I am and who they see me as/want me to be is growing larger all the time.

I had hoped to talk to my sister today to feel out if she might be a potential ally in the family but I didn't get the chance. I had hoped to show her pictures of my Halloween costume as a way of gauging her feelings about crossdressing in general, since Halloween is sort of "safe" since everybody dresses up as unusual things for Halloween, but her computer was running too slow to load the pictures before my parents got there. And a couple of things my sister said while I was there made me question if she could even be supportive. Right after we sat down to eat lunch, she made the comment that my hair is too long and I need to get it cut. Then after I mentioned a woman's name, she asked if I liked her and after I said she was married, she asked if I have a girlfriend and if there's anyone I like. Finally, when we were playing a board game later, she said my fingernails were too long.

To me, these comments make it apparent that my sister has a very particular view of me as an average, if someone quiet and nerdy, guy and I don't know how easily being a woman will fit in this view. It doesn't mean she couldn't be supportive of my decision but it does give me pause about discussing the subject with her.

This is the disconnect that I mentioned before between my family's view of me and the truth. And I'm all alone in dealing with this disconnect; my parents want to ignore it or just hope it will go away and the rest of my family doesn't know about it at all. Trying to deal with this all on my own often leaves me frustrated and upset.

Sometimes I feel guilty about how nice and generous my family is to me, questioning if I even deserve it; if they knew that I want to be a woman, would they still be nice to me? At other times, I feel angry about having to hide who I really am. And many times I feel the same at once.

I sometimes feel like just ripping the metaphorical band-aid off and dealing with the consequences because that would be a lot better than trying to hide an 800-pound gorilla.

Halloween

2009-10-30T00:04:00.004-05:00

Halloween is often called a crossdresser's favorite holiday but that isn't the case for me.

First, I want to say that I do like Halloween, it's just not my favorite holiday. I have a serious sweet tooth so I always enjoyed trick or treating and getting a lot of candy! My favorite Halloween candy is Brach's mellowcreme pumpkins which, for those who don't know, are basically pumpkin-shaped candy corn. I also enjoy Hershey's almost annual special Kisses; I like this year's Candy Corn Kisses but I loved last year's Pumpkin Spice Kisses and hope they'll bring them back sometime. I also do enjoy dressing up in a costume but because I have the opportunity every few months to cosplay at an anime convention, Halloween isn't the only day out of the year that I get to wear a costume.

One of the main things I don't like about Halloween is getting scared. I don't like horror movies and could do without the 5 million commercials we get for them on TV at this time of year. I also don't like haunted houses or anything else that involves being scared so one of the main attractions for many people on Halloween isn't something I'm interested in.

After my sister and I outgrew trick or treating, it became my family's tradition on Halloween to turn off all the lights in the house, get the bowl of my Mom's chocolate spiders and sit down to enjoy a non-scary Halloween movie. Occasionally we'd watch something like Frankenstein or Bride of Frankenstein but the main movie we'd watch each year was Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. I still have fond memories of that film and will be on the lookout for it on the movie channels each Halloween. I've continued the tradition on my own by watching a movie around Halloween, usually Young Frankenstein or The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Even without enjoying being scared, most crossdressers still say Halloween is their favorite holiday because it's the one time each year that they can go out in public en femme. As a kid, I had a strong desire to dress up as a girl in some way every year but I was never allowed to because my parents were so against it. I only started dressing en femme at Halloween in college after I had already become more open about being transgender. So Halloween always led to a feeling of disappointment instead of being the one occasion where I could be free to be who I am.

Also, as I take my first steps toward becoming a woman, I am dressing full-time so being able to dress en femme in public is not a unique thing that I can only do at Halloween.

I do still enjoy Halloween and am looking forward to the party I will be attending this year but, unlike many other crossdressers and transgender people, Halloween isn't my favorite holiday.

Crossdressing and Relationships

2009-09-18T22:01:00.008-05:00

The subject of this post is one that's been on my mind a lot recently. As I look to the future and begin to plan for my life after finishing my PhD, I realize that I don't want to be alone. It's going to be hard to dress full-time as a woman while moving to a new place, starting work at a new college or university and meeting new people. It will just make it even harder to do these things completely alone.

Now, the point of this post isn't to whine and complain about my lack of a love life; I am beginning to more actively seek out women, mainly through online dating at the moment. But as I take these first steps, I'm confronted with a recurring issue: how to approach my crossdressing in terms of dating/relationships.

I have made the personal decision to be open and upfront about my crossdressing. I want to find someone who will love me for who I am and who I can love for who she is in return, and I don't think that can happen if I keep the fact that I am a crossdresser hidden.

But is this the right decision?

I read an article this evening in the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality titled "How Intimate Relationships Are Impacted When Heterosexual Men Crossdress," and the authors found that the main concern of women in relationships with crossdressers was that other people would find out. So maybe potential partners would prefer that I keep it a secret...

But that again brings up the issue of do I want to be with someone who accepts my crossdressing but wants to keep it a secret or do I wait for that special someone who embraces that side of me and encourages me to be who I am?

And I can't really blame my lack of success with women on my crossdressing. It's not like I was a lady's man who now can't get a date because I've decided to be open about being a crossdresser. It's been over 3 years since I went on a date and longer since I had sex.

I mentioned getting into online dating but of the women I have contacted, none of them have even responded. I feel sometimes like I don't even register for most women, like a "Mr. Cellophane" of sex. I'm a good friend and a good listener but there's a certain something I'm lacking, that spark of attraction.

Maybe I'm wrong, though, and I'm just not picking up on the signals. But at this point, I don't know if I can learn to be more aware of them...

Cosplay and Conventions

2009-09-18T00:12:00.007-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I attended an anime convention in Dallas. It was my fourteenth convention and at every one, I have cosplayed.

Cosplay is an interesting topic on its own. It's a word borrowed by American anime fans from Japan and is originally short for "costume play." The idea itself was originally borrowed from America when a Japanese sci-fi fan attended a sci-fi convention in the US in the 80s and was impressed with the Star Trek fans walking around in their costumes but felt that Japanese fans could do just as well or better. So the concept was imported to Japan from American then exported back to American as cosplay.

Cosplay in Japan includes dressing in the costume of any pop culture character but in America, the term is still primarily used for anime characters and related Japanese pop culture characters, such as videogame characters, though you will occasionally see a Darth Vader, Batman or Harry Potter walking around an anime con. As an example, here is a picture of me cosplaying the character Tamao from the series Strawberry Panic at the con a couple of weeks ago:

Cosplay remains to this day a very important outlet for my transgender expression. Cosplaying at conventions was one of the first opportunities I had to crossdress in public. Conventions, for the most part, feel like safe spaces to me because crossdressing is accepted, to a certain extent (though I have had to deal with negative comments and reactions, these have been few and far between). The word "crossplay" is used to refer to people who cosplay characters of the opposite sex; an interesting side note is that the most common form of crossplay is women and girls cosplaying male characters, though my personal experience makes me feel that the response to female-to-male cosplay is different than the response to male-to-female cosplay.

Trying to explain my love of cosplay to others has often been difficult. People seem to want to reduce things to easily understandable levels, so they want to say "Oh, you do this just as a way to crossdress" or "It's not about crossdressing, it's about dressing up as a character you like, just like Halloween." The truth is a little bit grayer than that. While I do enjoy getting to spend a weekend dressed as a woman/female character, I truly love anime and appreciate the characters. I can't separate these two feelings. For me, it's the intersection of these to parts of who I am that led to me be a cosplayer. I wouldn't just walk around a con dressed as a woman, or at least I wouldn't call that cosplaying, and I don't really have any interest in dressing up as a male character. So if I hadn't been an anime fan, I don't know if I would be as comfortable as I am today dressing as a woman in public because I wouldn't have had this outlet for those feelings. Likewise, if I wasn't a crossdresser, I don't know if I would have ever cosplayed because I don't know how much dressing up in a costume would have interested me.

So I wouldn't really be who I am today if I had never cosplayed at a convention and I wouldn't have cosplayed at a convention if I wasn't who I am :)

I'm really excited about cosplay again, though. Because of money issues, I haven't been able to purchase any new costumes in over a year :( But now that I have a little more saved up, I'm looking forward to debuting some brand new costumes next year!

Free Puppies and Ice Cream For Everyone!

2009-08-26T23:40:00.003-05:00

As I was putting on my makeup to go out this evening, I was listening to the live stream of Chet Edwards' town hall meeting and I had a realization. Now, this may be something that others realized a while back but it just hit me today.

All the yelling and sign-waving really isn't about heath care/insurance.

The people who come to these town halls to yell and scream also gripe and complain just like the rest of us when their insurance rates go up or their hospital bill is higher than they thought it should be. It all boils down to the age old debate about how much power and involvement the government should have in the everyday lives of its citizens.

The people who yell and scream at these town halls would yell and scream about anything that meant the government would be more involved in their daily lives. If President Obama announced a plan tomorrow to help ease the suffering caused by the recession by giving everyone in America a free puppy and an ice cream cone, I guarantee that you would have people at town hall meetings yelling about how it should be their decision whether or not they get a dog and asking how private ice cream companies like Baskin-Robbins can hope to compete when the government is giving out free ice cream.

Again, not earth-shattering. Just something I realized for myself this evening.

George Washington and Sarah Vowell

2009-08-25T00:11:00.003-05:00

I came across this quote by George Washington while reading Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates (p. 244):

"All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of, as if it was by the indulgence of one class of people, that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent national gifts. For happily the Government of the United States...gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance."

This was Washington's response, addressed "to the Hebrew Congregation in Newport, Rhode Island," to their question about whether the new United States government would uphold the freedom of religion they had enjoyed in Rhode Island.

I, personally, find his statement of moving beyond mere tolerance to be very progressive, even though we as a country haven't lived up to that.

On Hold...

2009-08-24T20:28:00.003-05:00

Well, a new semester is almost here.

Things haven't gone exactly how I had planned. The summer was excellent. The students were great and seemed to very easily accept me for who I am. They seemed to have no problem accepting me as a man who wears women's clothing. Even the one student who got very upset about receiving a bad grade on an assignment never made any reference, to my face, about how I was dressed.

I was able to enjoy four wonderful weeks of dressing the way I want to everyday, and I am going to cherish the memory of that time. It showed me that I can do it, that I can be who I am and not have to constantly worry about what other people are going to think.

Now...family issues have led me to decide to put dressing full-time on hold. This is not a permanent decision, just a temporary one as I work through some issues. I want to preserve the positive memories of dressing full-time this summer and not have paranoia destroy the positive experience I had. But who knows. in six months I may say "Screw it! I can't take this anymore!" and start dressing full-time again. We'll see...

What does this mean for this blog?

Well, as you can see from the long period of time between the first post and this second post, I'm not the most frequent updater. I don't know if you can really call something with two entries a blog. But for now, I hope to continue this blog. Though I may not be dressing full-time, I'm still a transgender woman struggling her way through academia. Instead of being a record of my personal journey, it may begin to focus more on my research.

I don't know if I even have any readers yet or not (probably not) but I guess we'll see where this goes.

Welcome!

2009-07-10T18:59:00.001-05:00

Hello and welcome to my little corner of the web.

I'll begin by telling you a little about myself.

I am a graduate student at a major university in Texas and am currently teaching an introductory course in Public Speaking.

I consider myself transgender, as you can tell from the title of this blog, but I know that's ambiguous for a lot of people so I'll expand a little. I am a crossdresser and have known about my desire to dress as a woman since I was a young child. I am in the beginning stages of dressing full time as a woman but I do not currently have any plans to pursue surgical options to become I woman.

I have been contemplating starting this blog for a while now and have reached an important milestone in my life so I feel that this is a good time to start.

The milestone is that I will begin teaching dressed as a woman on Monday!

We just recently started the second summer session at the university I teach at and I was very impressed with my students' responses during a diversity activity we did in class. Their openness and willingness to consider the challenges faced by people different than they are moved me to share my transgender identity with them. I had included transgender as a aspect of diversity that is not normally discussed and said that the reason I chose to include transgender is that I am transgender myself. I went on to say that professors often discuss diversity with their students and encourage them to be accepting of people different from them but are often reluctant to share their on diversity with their students.

I decided to go a little bit further with my students in class today. I discussed the fact that the examples used in the activity were hypothetical and then asked them how they would feel if it was more real, if, for example, I came to class in a dress. A few students said that it wouldn't bother them because I had already shared that with them and that as young people, they tended to be more accepting of difference. One student said that she would appreciate the experience and the opportunity to interact with someone who is different from her and another student said that college is a place to learn, not to judge people.

I was even more impressed with my students responses and attitudes today and it further cemented my decision to begin dressing the way I want when I teach.

So we'll see how it goes.

The point of this blog is to give me a place to record my thoughts and experiences as I begin this new phase in my academic career. I don't know if this will interest anyone else but for those of you who do stumble across this blog, I hope you find it informative and entertaining!