A Few Thoughts on Shopping

I've been doing a lot of shopping recently. I've been really happy with the way I've been able to build my wardrobe. One of my first concerns about making the transition to living full-time as a woman was having enough to wear; I didn't want to wear the same things all the time. I'm very happy that I can now go weeks, if not months, without wearing the same thing twice :)

Not suprisingly, I never was much of a shopper as a guy. Guy's clothes just don't really interest me that much. I was always interested in women's clothes, of course, and always wondered how interested I would be in shopping if I was actually given the chance to dress how I want. I always had a feeling that I would be a bit of a clotheshorse.

I had the thought yesterday after buying a couple of new sweaters at Target if I've been spending too much on clothes recently. Again, shopping as much as I have been for clothes is still new to me, even if I am enjoying it. Then I paused and remembered that much of the shopping I have been doing these past few months has been out of necessity, not just a desire for something new to wear. I didn't buy those sweaters yesterday just because I felt like spending some money but because it has been chilly these past few days and I don't really have much to wear when it's cold.

I've been almost stubbornly open and public as a crossdresser. Unlike many other crossdressers, I was never really satisfied with just dressing up alone in my house. As a practical person, it was hard for me to justify spending money on clothes that no one else would ever see me wear. That's why I chose to focus on cosplay costumes because at least I would get to wear them at a convention. So when I decided earlier this year that I wanted to start dressing full-time as a woman, I literally had two outfits that I could wear. Two! Pretty much everything I have in my wardrobe now has been purchased since March.

I 'm happy with the progress I've made in such as short time but there are still some holes that I'm trying to fill in my wardrobe. I'm to the point where I can get by on a day-to-day basis (I'm not wearing the same outfit every other day) but each new situation reminds me of what still needs to be added. When it gets cold, I have to buy sweaters not because I'm tired of my old ones but because I don't have any old ones! Thankfully, though, those situations are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes by.

Bargain-hunting has been a blessing for me in building my wardrobe. Most of the clothes in my closet are from Target; their clothes are reasonably priced (they even have a good clearance section) and they fit my style. My style tends to be a little on the conservative side (I like the descriptors elegant and professional that friends have used) but that's just out of personal taste and not any feelings of how women should or shouldn't dress. Audrey Hepburn is my style icon and I love the styles of the 1950's and 60's.

Charlotte Russe is another store that has proven very fruitful, especially their clearance section. I've had the most luck there with tops; dresses and skirts haven't fit as well. I've purchased a few things at Wal-Mart, mainly because of the low prices, but the clothes there tend to be a little too casual/country for my tastes. I've also purchased a couple of dresses from Chadwicks and will definitely be purchasing more from them in the future because they have very stylish clothes and great bargains! And while I do love JC Penney's and especially their Worthington line, I haven't always had the most pleasant shopping experience at the store here in town, but that's a story for another time.

The next challenge will be next semester, which will be the first time I will teach an entire semester as a woman. I feel much better prepared to face this challenge, in ways beyond just clothing, than I felt back in March when I first made this decision.

Halloween

Halloween is often called a crossdresser's favorite holiday but that isn't the case for me.

First, I want to say that I do like Halloween, it's just not my favorite holiday. I have a serious sweet tooth so I always enjoyed trick or treating and getting a lot of candy! My favorite Halloween candy is Brach's mellowcreme pumpkins which, for those who don't know, are basically pumpkin-shaped candy corn. I also enjoy Hershey's almost annual special Kisses; I like this year's Candy Corn Kisses but I loved last year's Pumpkin Spice Kisses and hope they'll bring them back sometime. I also do enjoy dressing up in a costume but because I have the opportunity every few months to cosplay at an anime convention, Halloween isn't the only day out of the year that I get to wear a costume.

One of the main things I don't like about Halloween is getting scared. I don't like horror movies and could do without the 5 million commercials we get for them on TV at this time of year. I also don't like haunted houses or anything else that involves being scared so one of the main attractions for many people on Halloween isn't something I'm interested in.

After my sister and I outgrew trick or treating, it became my family's tradition on Halloween to turn off all the lights in the house, get the bowl of my Mom's chocolate spiders and sit down to enjoy a non-scary Halloween movie. Occasionally we'd watch something like Frankenstein or Bride of Frankenstein but the main movie we'd watch each year was Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. I still have fond memories of that film and will be on the lookout for it on the movie channels each Halloween. I've continued the tradition on my own by watching a movie around Halloween, usually Young Frankenstein or The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Even without enjoying being scared, most crossdressers still say Halloween is their favorite holiday because it's the one time each year that they can go out in public en femme. As a kid, I had a strong desire to dress up as a girl in some way every year but I was never allowed to because my parents were so against it. I only started dressing en femme at Halloween in college after I had already become more open about being transgender. So Halloween always led to a feeling of disappointment instead of being the one occasion where I could be free to be who I am.

Also, as I take my first steps toward becoming a woman, I am dressing full-time so being able to dress en femme in public is not a unique thing that I can only do at Halloween.

I do still enjoy Halloween and am looking forward to the party I will be attending this year but, unlike many other crossdressers and transgender people, Halloween isn't my favorite holiday.

Crossdressing and Relationships

The subject of this post is one that's been on my mind a lot recently. As I look to the future and begin to plan for my life after finishing my PhD, I realize that I don't want to be alone. It's going to be hard to dress full-time as a woman while moving to a new place, starting work at a new college or university and meeting new people. It will just make it even harder to do these things completely alone.

Now, the point of this post isn't to whine and complain about my lack of a love life; I am beginning to more actively seek out women, mainly through online dating at the moment. But as I take these first steps, I'm confronted with a recurring issue: how to approach my crossdressing in terms of dating/relationships.

I have made the personal decision to be open and upfront about my crossdressing. I want to find someone who will love me for who I am and who I can love for who she is in return, and I don't think that can happen if I keep the fact that I am a crossdresser hidden.

But is this the right decision?

I read an article this evening in the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality titled "How Intimate Relationships Are Impacted When Heterosexual Men Crossdress," and the authors found that the main concern of women in relationships with crossdressers was that other people would find out. So maybe potential partners would prefer that I keep it a secret...

But that again brings up the issue of do I want to be with someone who accepts my crossdressing but wants to keep it a secret or do I wait for that special someone who embraces that side of me and encourages me to be who I am?

And I can't really blame my lack of success with women on my crossdressing. It's not like I was a lady's man who now can't get a date because I've decided to be open about being a crossdresser. It's been over 3 years since I went on a date and longer since I had sex.

I mentioned getting into online dating but of the women I have contacted, none of them have even responded. I feel sometimes like I don't even register for most women, like a "Mr. Cellophane" of sex. I'm a good friend and a good listener but there's a certain something I'm lacking, that spark of attraction.

Maybe I'm wrong, though, and I'm just not picking up on the signals. But at this point, I don't know if I can learn to be more aware of them...

On Hold...

Well, a new semester is almost here.

Things haven't gone exactly how I had planned. The summer was excellent. The students were great and seemed to very easily accept me for who I am. They seemed to have no problem accepting me as a man who wears women's clothing. Even the one student who got very upset about receiving a bad grade on an assignment never made any reference, to my face, about how I was dressed.

I was able to enjoy four wonderful weeks of dressing the way I want to everyday, and I am going to cherish the memory of that time. It showed me that I can do it, that I can be who I am and not have to constantly worry about what other people are going to think.

Now...family issues have led me to decide to put dressing full-time on hold. This is not a permanent decision, just a temporary one as I work through some issues. I want to preserve the positive memories of dressing full-time this summer and not have paranoia destroy the positive experience I had. But who knows. in six months I may say "Screw it! I can't take this anymore!" and start dressing full-time again. We'll see...

What does this mean for this blog?

Well, as you can see from the long period of time between the first post and this second post, I'm not the most frequent updater. I don't know if you can really call something with two entries a blog. But for now, I hope to continue this blog. Though I may not be dressing full-time, I'm still a transgender woman struggling her way through academia. Instead of being a record of my personal journey, it may begin to focus more on my research.

I don't know if I even have any readers yet or not (probably not) but I guess we'll see where this goes.

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to my little corner of the web.

I'll begin by telling you a little about myself.

I am a graduate student at a major university in Texas and am currently teaching an introductory course in Public Speaking.

I consider myself transgender, as you can tell from the title of this blog, but I know that's ambiguous for a lot of people so I'll expand a little. I am a crossdresser and have known about my desire to dress as a woman since I was a young child. I am in the beginning stages of dressing full time as a woman but I do not currently have any plans to pursue surgical options to become I woman.

I have been contemplating starting this blog for a while now and have reached an important milestone in my life so I feel that this is a good time to start.

The milestone is that I will begin teaching dressed as a woman on Monday!

We just recently started the second summer session at the university I teach at and I was very impressed with my students' responses during a diversity activity we did in class. Their openness and willingness to consider the challenges faced by people different than they are moved me to share my transgender identity with them. I had included transgender as a aspect of diversity that is not normally discussed and said that the reason I chose to include transgender is that I am transgender myself. I went on to say that professors often discuss diversity with their students and encourage them to be accepting of people different from them but are often reluctant to share their on diversity with their students.

I decided to go a little bit further with my students in class today. I discussed the fact that the examples used in the activity were hypothetical and then asked them how they would feel if it was more real, if, for example, I came to class in a dress. A few students said that it wouldn't bother them because I had already shared that with them and that as young people, they tended to be more accepting of difference. One student said that she would appreciate the experience and the opportunity to interact with someone who is different from her and another student said that college is a place to learn, not to judge people.

I was even more impressed with my students responses and attitudes today and it further cemented my decision to begin dressing the way I want when I teach.

So we'll see how it goes.

The point of this blog is to give me a place to record my thoughts and experiences as I begin this new phase in my academic career. I don't know if this will interest anyone else but for those of you who do stumble across this blog, I hope you find it informative and entertaining!